Forgiveness

And now - I need to ask you to forgive me!  I am helping to instruct the course that originated this blog, but I did not even get my own assignment - blogging about this week's "experience" - done on time.  I need a Rose to give to you!

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Forgiveness is one of those powerful acts that is central to the Christian faith, but in Evangelical circles somehow seems to have landed on the periphery when it comes to our practice.   In a Lifepath (Steps) program that I went through a while back, we discussed a book called "Hope in the Fast Lane."  The author lamented the loss of Confession in the Evangelical "stream," pointing out that it is central to the salvation experience - but not carried on afterward.  His feeling was that Christians have lost the original joy that came at their conversion, because they have lost the art of Confession.  Ongoing confession brings ongoing joy!

But, now - it is too easy to "get into the head" about this, to live in theory about forgiveness instead of dealing with it in experience.  And experiencing the theology is what this class is all about.

I carried a Rock.

The assignment was to take a Rose or a Rock - a Rose to remind us to go make things right with people that are wrong;  or a Rock if we weren't ready to deal with it or didn't know how to handle the situation.  The rock did irritate me to some degree, it was rather large and I would feel the weight in my pocket from time-to-time, and be reminded of the situation at hand.  I probably would have felt a sort of "emotional claustrophobia" from being unable to get away from a painful situation, if the pain weren't already on the forefront of my mind.  The Rock became another thing to think about;  another piece of clutter in my emotional world.  Having to think about it, remember to transfer it when I changed clothes, being reminded of it when I bumped into something, wondering if it was scratching or tearing up my pants - these are pretty accurate indicators of what the emotional weight of conflict does in my soul.

And then I realized, with a couple of days left in the "experience," that I was not wearing the Rock as I slept, at night-time.  Uugh.  I chose to forego it.  No matter - the weight of conflict was still there!

I have since abandoned the Rock, but I have not abandoned concern about the situation at hand.  I want to walk in freedom.  I want to run my identity so straight with Jesus that pain in conflict is not about how I am seen, how well I am responding, or how my self can be elevated - it is about doing what my Father asks and seeing spiritual power released by walking "true" in the situation.  I can't quite find words for it.  I am not saying that I do it or can do it.  But at the risk of being completely corny and losing your respect - and while I don't intend every blog in this series to end with this phrase - in this area I do want to "Go Higher."  I want it bad enough to say it.












  

Kenosis

Kenosis - the emptying of self;  Jen and I were talking about how to put this into practice, what could be done to live it.  I wasn't coming up with much - give over some tough decisions that need to be made in the business (happily!), or maybe miss a lunchtime meal.  She was coming up with some "zingers" - do without housing, go down to Bush Park and spend the night;  go to Portland and beg on the street for food;  go stay in the Mission and experience being without your own family.  I had been joking about giving over the tough business decisions - and as we talked, we put some words to it.  There is a difference between emptying and abdicating.  To empty is to no longer hold onto self-interest, to no longer look or focus on Me.  It is to look upon Another.  Abdicating is looking out for my own self-interest, it is acting in self-protection.  Abdicating piles up burdens and adds to the load for another day.  Emptying means immediate freedom - can you picture the joy of cleaning out your closet and throwing away a basket-load (or two!) of old junk?  Now there is room in there to move. 

In the end, I did not sleep out under the stars, waiting to be nibbled on by a squirrel or kicked in the side by some passer-by.  I did fast at lunchtime, giving up my right to be full, saying no to one desire because there is something I desire more.  Fasting is a sort of emptying;  instead of looking out for my own will I am seeking to attend to Another one.

It was a simple fast - I skipped a meal.  But I could feel the pain of an unmet desire, as I spent an hour just waiting.  There was no major spiritual manifestation or "Holy Ghost outbreak" - but that was OK.  Even in response to a class assignment, it was a practical and physical expression of an inward desire to go higher!