Who Am I?

First a Rock, then a Cross - and now I am carrying a Card.  It has been useful to me.  I have found myself referring to the Truth that is written on the card at certain points during the week, points at which I find myself fearful, not wanting to open an e-mail for fear of what it will say, not wanting to engage in a conversation for fear of the outcome.

The Card grounds me.  And I need this grounding.

It seems that there are forces that want to dig away at my identity, telling me that I am who I am not, seeking to de-stabalize my foundation.

How long will you assault me...this leaning wall, this tottering fence? (Ps.62.3)

And then the word of Truth comes along, and Reality returns.

I want to walk in this Reality, to live in it.  I want to go higher.

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The "Who Am I" readings have been helpful this week, as well.  Reading them aloud morning and night forces me to say things about "who I am" that are not always easy to say.  I must admit that I am not always ready to do this exercise in a calm, "space-ful" manner.  I am hurried - to go brush my teeth, (of all the crazy things!) or to get off to work.  I must slow down, capture my pace, and enter in.

As I do I realize that it is hard for me to focus on the words.  I can be reading them out loud, while my mind is working on some other issue.  I used to call these distractions.  Don't you have them?  You sit down to have a devotional time, you want to read scripture and pray, and all of a sudden - Wham! - there is a whole "grocery list" of items that clamor for attention.  It might be an actual grocery list (!), or a paper that you need to write, or a conversation you are having in your head with another person, or a problem you are trying to work out.  These are things we are carrying around with us all day long, but until we stop! for quiet, we are somewhat unaware of them.  They just niggle at our inner being and reduce our focus, sap our energy.  Now, they are - we suppose - sapping our devotional time as well.  Distracting.  Discouraging us (why can't I even focus on my Bible, get my devotions "done?")  Accusing us.

What if we looked at these "distractions" in a different way?  What if instead of being competitors with God as we enter our devotional time, these are actually the very things that He wants to talk with us about?  He is drawn to what is going on inside of us - He likes you,  and wants to hear about what is happening in your life.  Why don't we pray our distractions, and make them attractions?

These distractions can attract God's presence, and bring Him into the mix of our worlds.  Sometimes I need to list out these things that are on my mind, and pray over them a bit, before I can really focus on my devotional time or a Bible reading.  Sometimes these become the thing that my devotional time is about.  Something on the list gets "highlighted."  Here is an area where I need some help.  Here is where Reality (big "R") is seeking to alter my version of reality (little "r.")

It happened this morning as I read through the "Who Am I" list.  While I can hear myself reading the list out loud, I am aware that I am thinking about something else.  I am concerned about how others in my group at work will respond to ideas that I have about a building project that I am in charge of.  I am concerned about how they will think about me.  Oh - that's it - I have dealt with this before.  I am concerned about my reputation.  I stop for a few moments and repent (one more time) for my concern about my reputation.  As best I can, I let that go.  Now I am free, I can enter into the reading, I can hear new words regarding what my Father is saying about me.  I can hear something new about "Who I Am."